I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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