I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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