im six kinds of drunk right now
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
