Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
