Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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