you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i permit you to call me
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
