if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
