I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
