Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
