the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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