Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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