It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
