Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
