Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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