yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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