Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
