I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
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