but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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