I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
