I am in a vortex of obligation.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
