I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
