So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Boobs are out for the taking
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
