just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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