I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
