I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
