Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
