are you so shy because you have an std?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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