I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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