Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
