We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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