Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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