Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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