apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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