just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
