i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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