??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
