Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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