I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
