she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
