Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
