Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize
