Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
