i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
