I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
