If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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