It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
