He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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