There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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