I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
