I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
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