I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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